Half Crocked

I’m one of those people who can’t sit back. My mind is always whirling with the next event or idea. About a month ago, after realizing I had mastered the Barbeque, I started thinking about my next cooking adventure. The idea of the crock pot came to mind. Tonight I went to Target and perused the kitchenware like a pro…of course I got side-tracked with a woman wandering around with a patterned pillow. I knew she was looking for either towels or a bedspread, and anyone that knows me, knows I can’t stand around waiting for someone to miss-match. There’s this “need to help” thing that comes over me. It’s a “gift”…  I grabbed a towel, walked quietly towards her, shoved it at her and watched her smile…

Back at the crock pot aisle… they apparently call them slow cookers now…maybe that’s because there’s one made by “Crock pot” and they’re hording the name. Makes perfect sense to me. They had a really nice little red one for 20 bucks but it looked so small compared to the rest. It also had this weird flicking switch button that I did not feel met up with the crock pot standards I aspire to. I left and headed to a store called Kohl’s. I was even less impressed with the choice they had and they were much more expensive!…So…yes…I drove to Wal-Mart. I hate the store after I had a scream out in a long center aisle with some blowhard shithead bully that yelled at an elderly woman. She apparently wasn’t walking fast enough for his supreme being. I can take anything…but bullying a senior is my limit. We had quite an audience and I got in some really good stuff before I saw his browbeaten wife and her downcast eyes. The hair went up on the back of my neck and I stopped abruptly knowing she would take the brunt. Besides…Karma baby…He’ll get his.

So back to this crock pot. While looking for the aisle ( I’m only acquainted with where the movies and the giant boxes of Lucky Charms are shelved)… a  woman with a heavy foreign accent, who obviously knew about “my gift”, began to asked me what to use to sloth her skin…well not in those words…but I got the gist.  I was happy to know, even with the band aid across my cheek, she was undaunted and knew that I would know. I brought her over to the meager loofa aisle and 10 minutes later I was explaining to her (and a Wal-Mart employee in charge of that aisle), about the benefits of sea-salt and Trader’s lavender sea salt oil scrub abilities. When I felt they were both satisfied, I went back in search of my goal.

On the crock pot aisle, they had lots of quart selections…3 quarts… 4 quarts, 5,7,9…heck how many people can you feed from this pot? I settled on a sorta middle number because it came in black and met my aesthetic needs. I took it to the counter and asked the young man at the register how he was. He got all happy and told me he had just come back from a 3 day vacation. I smiled and politely inquired where he had gone. When he told me “Los Angeles” I decided not to mention it was 40 minutes away and that I go there “for breakfast”  if the biscuits are good…

Back at home, I eagerly cut through the tape and pulled out my new toy. It came with a booklet and as I perused it. I saw words like “saute” and “brown in a skillet”… I shook my head…already thinking about re-taping and returning. I want to cut things up, toss them in and have it come out “food”. I don’t want to “brown” things. That requires a pan and I already have the pot.

I’ve decided to search the net…and possibly some of you know what might be good. I eat fish or fowl, any veggie imaginable…so bring it on you crack pot chefs.


4 Responses to “Half Crocked”

  1. First, I didn’t know you could use the s word . Ok so this is R rated here.
    Then, Cindy told me a story about how her and Jess went to walmart, and a guy came up to Jess and said may I help you? he replyed, Yes, you can help by gettin the hell out of my way. ( I thought it was funny)
    Next, you will just be saying hand me that big round burnt thing with the cracked lid..as you go along. Browning? what’s that?..you do as you please. You shall see. The more spice the better, fish,fowl, ham, brisket, brick, whatever. I say walmart rules! they got everything! Good cookin!!

  2. Well, you could put alot of veggies in the bottom..the meat on the top..how bought a corn beef brisket..don’t forget the cabbage..put that in late…a little of this a little of that and yum…salt..pep..onion..bay leave..take out at end…brown sugar..i would..little water..two inch..slow slow…check later, could be good..never know. And, some good ol bisquits! with lots of honey and butter. how big is your crock?…stuff does shrink though. Good Cooking.

  3. Well, you can make Chile con Queso in a crock pot without having to brown anything. Just throw in a loaf of Velveeta, a jar of salsa, a can of condensed milk and wa-la, you’re ready for nachos at the Superbowl party at your house. (Because now that you own a Crock Pot, er, slow cooker, you do know you’re hosting the Superbowl party, right?)

    Heather, this had me in stitches, your gift and all. And that guy at Walmart, well, I wish you woulda bopped him good. But I get your point about the wife.

  4. yb…Super Bowl…yikes
    If it ever got out that I
    A) Made food in a crockpot
    and B) Had a Super Bowl Party
    people would be asking if aliens abducted the real me…

    I will try these…sounds bueno!

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