Archive for the Idiot Category

Number Lore

Posted in Attitude, back in business, Bring it, concentration, eclectic, Entering New Territory, entertainment, Funny, gallery, good grief, Humor, Idiot, In sync, it's only money, Land of OZ, Not a clue, Personal, playing the game, snort, the story unfolds, uh oh, Uncategorized, wacky, Whoo Hoo, yikes on January 24, 2009 by anuvuestudio

I have, for the last 5 days, been working on the sales tax for the gallery. Now for those of you that don’t know me, numbers and my brain don’t always coincide. You can ask all the folks at my bank. We’re on a first name basis. Imagine a meteor hitting a small planet at a rather accelerated speed. It’s not that I’ve sold a great deal and there’s a plethora of receipts (not sure what people see in that word). After all…It is art we’re talking here people. But the fact that I’m doing any type of accounting is about the equivalent of me making a pot roast with all the trimmings. It’s quite an unnatural thing.

I feel certain that my accountant ascertained something in me early on that made him come up with an “idiot proof” chart. I’m to fill in “only the little green squares”. I’m to “utilize the drop down menus” and use “only the categories created”. He’s made it “H proof”. It won’t let me type ANYWHERE I’m not supposed to. Ahh, what’s the fun in that? He asked me to send him a small portion of my handiwork to be certain I wasn’t “coloring outside the lines”…screwing up his perfectly executed spread sheet. It even gives me a big red “OK” when I’ve done a good job. Kinda the equivalent of one of those gold stars in elementary school. I sent off my first draft. Sadly…it was for the year 2009 ;(

I did all the requested revisions to round one. I’ve just completed my 4th quarter, sent it off and am eagerly awaiting my grade. It took 6 cups of thick, black, pumpkin spice coffee just to finish. I remember the day when he looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I knew not to keep writing checks if I didn’t have any money in the account. I’m still chuckling over that. I distinctly remember my Father asking my Mother that very same thing! I can say in all honesty, on that one point, I’m pretty clear. I still wish I’d said “That’s when I’m supposed to pull out my credit card, right?…What’s life without messing with the analyticals?

As far as my relationship with numbers goes, I’m not concerned. One of the bank tellers yesterday told me I had wonderful “fashion sense”. The next teller readily agreed and so did the head of business accounts (and he’s a man). So you see…no worries…I already have some form of “sense” down. 😉

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The Doctor Visit

Posted in Choices, Clowns, clutter, comment, Doctor visits, Entering New Territory, entertainment, good grief, Grand Central, Hanging out, Hiding place, Humor, Idiot, Life, neighbors, O.K. Corral, People, Personal, snort, Somewhere Over the rainbow, stomach muscles, the story unfolds, thoughts, uh oh, Uncategorized, Valor, wacky, walking on water, welome, What?, White Walls, Whoo Hoo, wisdom, wow, yellow brick road on August 28, 2008 by anuvuestudio

Ok, I haven’t told a story for a while…and well, today, I’ve got one. First, let me begin to tell you folks out there that still think it’s cool to have a tan, forget it. I spent my entire teen years burning…and peeling, burning and peeling, “repeat at will”… and now I’m paying for it. I now walk around with a giant black Joan Crawford hat and Chinese paper umbrellas; with SP…I don’t know…what are they up to…90? ya know…kind of vampirish.. (Not that I have any problems with vampires) Ok… that said. Preaching over.

Today was my “see the Dermatologist because you’ve had this thing on your cheek forever” visit. I actual refer to it as “My little friend” in a Scarface kind of accent. After securing a parking spot…that isn’t all that easy here in So Cal…I finally made it to room 204. When I opened the door to the office, I was greeted by a “spaciously challenged” room…maybe 9 feet wide by 10 feet long. It held a couch, a table and 4 chairs…2 facing 2 others…all shoved in with a shoehorn. There were no windows unless you call the slider door where the receptionist sits hidden with her own air… a window.

I crammed my way inside and saw a disgruntled looking 20 something guy with his equally disgruntled 20 something girlfriend sitting on the narrow couch. They were probably just mad because they now were forced to share their already limited air supply. Well, I did what any normal person would…I signed in for my 10:30 appointment, glared back and took a seat. The receptionist called me and gave me the ever-popular clipboard. It had more papers to sign than the mortgage I currently have and asked me more personal questions that my own husband has ever dared to ask.

While filling papers out, the narrow entrance door opened and in huddled an elderly lady with a large carved cane. She managed her way to the receptionist sign-in sheet and then took the second of the 4 chairs, opposite me…cane extending far into the room. Still filling out my paperwork, the door opened yet again. In came a long, lanky woman in maybe her late 50’s. She apparently was a repeat customer and had the routine down. She promptly signed and sat in the 3rd of 4 chairs, next to me. I had finished the first draft on my future life story and walked back up. It was at this time I noticed two things. One was that everyone signing in had an appointment at 10:30 and that thankfully there was a candy dish…with tootsie rolls. Well, all things considered, figuring trouble brewing, I naturally dug in, took enough to kill the pain and re-took my seat just in time to see the door open again.

In walked a very round, very tall man…with a rather large, round, pink woman behind him…and just as I thought the room couldn’t get any smaller…in came their daughter with the largest Afro I have ever seen in my life! It was at this very moment I started searching this tiny room for the hidden camera. Each person shuffled around, trying to get comfortable in a room where a family of Hobbits couldn’t get comfortable. I noticed the disgruntled guy get up and hi-tail it out into the hallway as quick as he could. He apparently thought it was “him”…or “her”…and he’d chose to save himself.. We all sat, trying not to stare at each other because there wasn’t anywhere to look…and just when I thought it couldn’t get worse…in walked a woman with a rather large incision at her throat with some very nasty looking sutures. I could feel my head spinning.

She signed, sat and stared with the rest. It was about this time my phone began to ring. It’s rather loud and I tried hard to get to it in time to turn it off. That’s when the elderly lady said “that’s a pretty song’…”who is it?”…all eyes on me. I swallowed and mumbled “Staind”. The late fiftyish woman yelled “Sting?”…. to which I had to reply “No, S-T-A-I-N-D”. “Well it’s very pretty…what’s the title?” she asked. I had to tell her “It’s been a while”…, to which I will not repeat the conversations of confusion that title lead to about my “remembering” but will tell you that Afro kid had a big smirk on her face, waiting to see how I’d get out of it. She and I were the only ones to know that the “Pretty song” was written by a recovered heroine addict confessing his life’s low moments…complete with profanity.

In my silence, the rather large, pink, round woman decided to ask each person his or her reason for being there at this momentous moment in time. I was treated to horrific scars, office treatments, surgery stories, chemo advise and just…just as they got to me…an angel with bright blue eyes and a pixie grin opened the second door and yelled “Heather”. I have never in my life catapulted across a room as if shot from a cannon…but I did then. I kissed her hand and said “THANK GOD YOU CAME FOR ME…!” I think she might have even understood.

I was then settled into a room of quite lovely, Zen like, decor. The designer, no doubt, had at one time been left in the waiting room and felt some form of moral responsibility to those who “made it through” boot camp lobby. I found it interesting that a dermatologist has the same type of bed thing you’re supposed to hop up on. The angel asked me the routine questions, “What are you allergic to”…oh so innocently. My smile confirmed she had hit the jackpot. Upon completion I sat there re-living, in my mind, the stories I had just heard in the Hobbit cave until the Doctor walked in and looked at me over her glasses. She questioned me rather bluntly about “my little friend”…”How long?”….“Um, well, a while”…quite a while”… No eye contact. To which she said “Are we talking years?… Hummmmmm…

She put her rather large glass over me with its rather bright light and pulled and prodded my cheek. She pulled her glasses upright and said “We can go about this one of 2 ways”…”I can give you a topical cream and we can try it for 3 weeks…or we can biopsy now…. which could leave a scar”. Now I knew damn well she thought I’d pick the cream being a woman. I replied, “Well, you know… I’ve always looked kinda innocent…let’s chance the scar!”… And finally, a smile. She then did her thing, finally presenting my cheek with a very un-fashionable band aid that could not be more noticeable if it were hot pink and I left with a “thank you very much” getting the hell out. I actually ran the 3 steps I needed to pass the waiting room.

I returned to work and promptly told the boys I was happy to have Shaved off” a little weight and that I had now provided them with a target for all those rubber bands. My first comment, from a friend was…”Oh, Nice look”… I expected no less…

When I got home I promptly went to the store in search of the “cool band aids”. I had a choice of “Nascar” or “Hello Kitttie”…neither of which suits me. I was looking for a scull with crossbones but selected “Hello Kittie” because I figure I can draw fangs on her…

And, when I return to the Doc’s office, I think I’ll get some use out of my old lawn chair and sit in the hallway until they call… 😉

June 5th

Posted in Attitude, Choices, concentration, dinner bell, Dreams, Entering New Territory, Forgiven, future, good grief, Hope, Idiot, keeping positive, new beginnings, Not a clue, performance art, Personal, stomach muscles, the story unfolds, Too tough to die, uh oh, Uncategorized, walking on water, wisdom, wish on June 3, 2008 by anuvuestudio

If you are going through hell… keep going.
Winston Churchill

I need anyone and everyone that reads my blog (and those who just happened upon it) to get up on Thursday and simply say “Keep going”. I believe in Karma and the power of positive energy sent from others…even when they don’t know why. I promise to write an “Erma Bombeck” explanation in exchange for those blindly given positive thoughts.

June 5th Folks. Please remember…It’s important.

Slow Down

Posted in Idiot, jerks, Personal, pure crap, slow down, Time Travelers on March 31, 2008 by anuvuestudio

I live in a sleepy residential area, close the the ocean. It consists of mostly seniors who bought their homes in 1964 or beginning families that were lucky enough to inherited or purchase their parent’s homes. There have been 2 God-awful car collisions at a small intersection within a 4 way stop… around the corner from my home. All these collisions have happened with a minor behind the wheel, driving upwards of 90 miles per hour, about a stones throw from the local elementary school. Just 2 weeks ago, 3 cars full of teens racing side by side, clipped a neighbor with his wife, his 3 small boys…ranging 5, 3 and 18 months and another 5 year old neighborhood girl while they were on their way to a birthday party. This little family got away unharmed, thank the Lord. One passenger (in the back seat of the car that clipped them) died on the scene after smacking a cement telephone pole. He was 14 years old. The driver’s 17 year old girlfriend had her entire face sheered off. Her face was gone people! GONE…and she lived!

Today, yet another teenager, with his own father as the passenger, drove through this intersection at a very high rate of speed (according to all eyewitnesses at the local liquor store at the intersection)…and this time they hit my neighbor…3 doors down. I don’t even know my neighbors, but this quiet, unassuming man, walks his dog faithfully everyday…so I’ve noticed him and waved. He, I learned later, was the man who went through my entire neighborhood taking down my Halloween signs after the event was over because he knew I would be tired. A man that I’m embarrassed to say… I didn’t even know his name! Well, his name is Malcolm and I am sick and tired of people driving wrecklessly, with no regard to other’s. Tell your kids, no… yell at your kids and make them understand. While you’re at it, tell yourself…to F—ing slow down…because it matters!

HUNTINGTON BEACH – Two drivers and one passenger were transported to the UC Irvine Medical Center this afternoon after a yellow Ford Mustang crashed into a black Toyota Camry at Bushard Street and Banning Avenue, police say. That accident occurred in the same intersection where 14-year-old Phoenix Nguyen was killed on March 15.

According to the Huntington Beach police department, the 17-year-old driver of the Mustang carried one passenger, 56-year-old Gregory Jackson. The Camry was driven by 76-year-old Malcolm McKenzie.

McKenzie and Jackson have multiple injuries but are in stable condition, and the Mustang driver, whose name was not released because he is a minor, suffers from minor injuries, according to a police news release.

Huntington Beach police and paramedics responded to the collision at 3:20 p.m. The preliminary investigation indicates that the Mustang was going at a high rate of speed southbound on Bushard Street and ran a stop sign before hitting McKenzie’s car, which was going eastbound on Banning, the release said.

Day 3

Posted in Attitude, back in business, back to earth, Choices, clutter, Entering New Territory, entertainment, excitement, fabulous, gallery, good grief, Gunslingers, Hanging out, harmony, Idiot, jerks, keeping positive, Life, new beginnings, old endings, Party, People, Personal, playing the game, pure crap, seldom is heard, tenants, trust, uh oh, Unforgiven, wisdom, wow on March 11, 2008 by anuvuestudio

Well, you remember that instant Karma thing? Karma works in mysterious ways…I believe in Karma…even if I don’t always get to see the end result…And, it’s not always instant…but in this case, humph!

Today “Previous Tenant A” finally deemed me worthy enough to call back. I now know the number and recognised it at a glance. Did I answer it. Good Grief…NO. That’s what Husbands are for! To take over with negotiations when things deteriorate to another level… not on this woman’s radar. There are fewer words involved between men…but lots of meaning behind them.

I called Mike. Mike called him and by noon “Previous Tenant A” was packing his belongings (or rather his belongings that we packed for him) into a truck and handing over 350.00 dollars. It appears he went “camping” . Naturally one would go “Camping” the actual day you’re supposed to move… I’m sure it’s in the tenant manual under selfish, cement headed idiots. I’m certain there is a Political position just waiting for this guy. Maybe a Senator or something?

He didn’t answer my 19 phones calls over a period of 8 days that ranged from really very sweet and charming… to somewhat peeved… to completely and totally… really pissed off. My Family and Friends will both attest that the third is a very rare thing in me…but when it happens, it takes care of everything that’s built up for years… So I’m good for quite some time 😉

Tonight I will meet with the Carpenter, the Electrician, the Painter and Drywall Guy. Hey, why not attack it full force…I’m 10 days behind. Just for fun, I told them to all show up at 6:30pm. I probably should serve refreshments as this will be my first impromptu party…but chairs might actually be even better! Heck, their all younger than me…they can stand!

Sadly, I was just beginning to develop a close personal friendship with all those water bottles…

This week’s lesson

Posted in Attitude, back to earth, Choices, clutter, comment, future, gallery, games, good grief, Idiot, jerks, keeping positive, landlords, last words, Life, new beginnings, no trust, Not a clue, old endings, opinion, patience, People, pure crap, Random, seldom is heard, tenants, thoughts, trust, uh oh, Uncategorized, Unforgiven, wacky, welome, What?, wisdom, wow, yellow brick road on March 9, 2008 by anuvuestudio

What a week! Today is March 8th and I finally just got into my new studio. I learned a very valuable lesson about people and business this week. I learned to not trust and to get things in writing. I met my landlord about 2 months ago when I signed my rental agreement. I paid 3 months in advance and he told me the previous tenant would be out by the 1st…no later than the 3rd…and that he would take care and adjust my rent if it ended up the 3rd. Sounded good to me. Now I have, from time to time, popped into the building to measure this and recheck that and have even brought people with me to make some drawings. There are 2 guys, one being the actual tenant and one being his longtime friend, councilor and CPA. These guys are Mormons and both were very nice to me when I initially met them. Then, most of time I re-visited, it would just be the CPA guy there working away, trying to fix the other guy’s financials (because he was losing his business). I grew to really like this guy. He used to work a very unhappy 9 to 5 job (which I understood) and he was humble and sweet. He gave me some brief financial business advise and I designed him a new logo (for his new self employment), printed him some business cards and brought him cookies That I mercifully didn’t make).

On the 29th of February, a long awaited leap year, I showed up at the building, peeked my head in and yelled hello. They were both there on this occasion…along with all the furniture, desks, computers, files and gigantic tv . Nothing had been moved, boxed or organized. I asked what was up and they both said” Is this the end of the month already?” ALARM BELLS GOING OFF IN MY HEAD. Yes, yes it is. That’s when the tenant spoke up and said Oh, we’ll be out of here by the 3rd, no worry. Well, I wasn’t going panic because I had heard that it could be the 3rd. Sadly, I wouldn’t have that weekend to clean. I left after a brief, friendly conversation with the CPA guy, who at that time felt bad and actually gave me his own key. He walked me down to the mailbox to show me where it was while I asked him how his buddy was doing. I’m a nice person, I wanted to be sensitive to the guy losing his business. He had after-all, done alot of work to the room I would soon occupy…I didn’t want to rub salt into the wound.

I left and everyday, I would drive by. This guy has about 50 cases of bottled water on the patio outside the office and I knew when I didn’t see them, he would be gone. I at one time asked him if he was taking it with him (he had gotten it free from the beach games they have in the summer where vendors pass it out). I told him that it could be donated to the Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts but he said he would be leaving with it and I dropped it after that. So I drove by on the second…still water bottles, the 3rd…still water bottles and on the forth day I finally called him. No answer. Later that day he called to say that the guy buying his furniture had not come to get it so he needed to stay until the 5th. It was at this point that I said I would have to call the landlord because he needed to adjust my rent.

Now you must keep in mind…this tenant guy called me on the phone once to warn me that after I had already verbally told the landlord I would take the office, he showed someone else the space…the tenant said “you seem like a nice lady, I just want you to know that this happened. My husband told me to calm down and that the landlord was just covering his rear, in case I backed out because I hadn’t actually signed the contract, just verbally said yes. It wasn’t my deal that the contract hadn’t been signed. It was the landlord’s not coming down with a contract for me to actually sign. He said, no worry.

Anyway, back to why I was willing to trust the tenant. It was because of this call of warning. I felt he was looking after me knowing all the plans I was making and times I had visited with his buddy to measure something. So when I said I needed to call the landlord to tell him…the tenant said no, no need to bother him…I’ll just pay you. I did not want to do this. Everything in me told me no. But that call… I really had no choice when he said the 5th because none of his stuff was gone yet and I couldn’t very well carry it out myself.

Well you guessed it. The 5th came and went and no phone calls to say, I’ll come give you the keys to the space and the bathrooms. I drove by and yes, same lovely water bottles. On the 6th I drove over before work..and low and behold…a moving van!. I went to work happy, knowing this would all be over. No phone call came that evening so I called him. No answer. Tried the next day..same water bottles and same no answer…and no returned calls.

Friday after work and after calling him 2 more times, I went over and let myself in. I saw the tenant’s desks and files and immediately left making sure another 2 tenants saw me leave quickly and with nothing that did not belong to me. I called the landlord. I told him the situation. That his tenant just would not leave and that I didn’t know him, didn’t want to be involved and just wanted him to know that I still had not been able to move in.

Now this is where it gets really good. The landlord told me that once I gave the not-leaving tenant an ok to stay (which I didn’t really, I just never had a choice) and that he had an agreement to pay me, it was my problem to get him out. He said I had a key to let myself in and that I could have asked him to get out and that he (being the landlord had nothing to do with it). His contract was now only with me!

I will give him that one credit. He was right when he said I did not call him on the first and tell him. I didn’t and I didn’t because he told me himself it could be until the 3rd! I was so dumbfounded at this point I know I was yelling into the phone. I simply could not believe what I was being told. That it was my space, the contract was for the 1st and I should have moved in. If I didn’t want the space, I didn’t have to take it and that he would rent it to someone else. I explained that I would never move into a building that had someone else’s belongings inside and he said, well, you should have because it was yours to move into! My contract with him ended and mine began with yours. At this point I decided I was dealing with at least 2 lunatics and started to really wonder if it was all going to be worth it. I got in my car and drove to another building that had just come up for lease, called and was told how much…too much…and too much work.

A friend of mine accidentally called my number and while on the phone, I needed an ear and vented my story. It was at this point he “hostage negotiated” me into calmness. He said to go to the building, change the locks and pack the guys sh– up. He actually told me to toss it onto the parking lot but I’m just not that person (in this life anyway). I called the tenant again. No answer. Then, while talking on the phone to my husband, or rather yelling into the phone with frustration…the idiot chose to call and leave a message. My guess was the landlord called him (and threatened him) and magically he called me back to leave a freaking voice-mail. I immediately called back and you can guess…no answer. I drove over to the building, opened the door for the second time with the key his friend had given me and stood in the space. The tenant’s desks were still there, office junk, computer stuff and many (what looked to me) important personal files… But in those few minutes I allowed myself to walk and really look at the room, a calm came over me. I looked at the space…really looked at it. I knew it was meant for me…even if I almost allowed 2 complete assholes to destroy a dream for me.

I went home and called a locksmith. 😉 At this point I had my husband step in. He was actually working this weekend but he made the call to the tenant warning him that the locks would be changed at 5pm and that he had better get his stuff out and also bring me 8 days of rent…in cash. I waited all day at home for him to call or show up. At 5pm I went to the building and yes, the water bottles, desks and all the other were still there…no call. I hoped at this point the guy was in jail…and couldn’t call. I had the locks changed and never once was I worried about the tenant showing up. I had told the locksmith my dilemma and that I was a bit leery about the guy, knowing changing the locks would piss him off. The locksmith smiled, told me he was one of 5 brothers, all from Israel…Military trained in Special Forces…and I had not a reason in the world to worry. How lovely it was that he came (or was sent to me). And that, my dear readers, was the first laugh I had in 3 days…

Later, my husband and brother-in-law came and we packed all the tenants crap up. I had to talk them out of throwing it into the dumpster…because I really want to dump it on his front lawn…and I will!

After everything was packed, the floors were swept and I looked at the room and I was finally happy. I will, from now on, mail my rent to the landlord without further communication, unless he begins it. He has a job so I doubt I will hear much more from him as long as he can smell his dear old money. As far as the tenant, I will have no further dealing with him..and sadly, nor his friend. One will forever be part of the other’s sins in my memory. This guy was going to be my new CPA but who in their right mind would trust a friend of a jerk with their personal information? Not this gal.

So, if any of you out there ever decide to begin a business of your own, where you are involved in a lease and another previous tenant, be wiser that me. Don’t trust anyone. Get it in writing…because if you behave kindly, you will be run over flatter than a cd! I’m keeping the space because I know this was my test. I know most landlords are probably like Cinderella’s wicked stepmother anyway and that the worst is over. I know that once they have their money, their interest in your problems is harder to find than comfortable heels… so be ready to fend for yourself. I believe very strongly in Karma. So Adam and Alex, watch your heads…because something is coming for you…and I hope you feel it…hard.

But now it’s time for the Artists to have their day. Now is the time to build! 😉

Facing 50 Head On

Posted in 50, Art, Attitude, birthday, Clowns, comment, create, Director, Dork, Dreamer, eclectic, Famiiy, Fifty, Friends, Funny, good grief, Goofballs, Hope, Humor, Idiot, Images, Life, Love, mannequins, Memories, new beginnings, Not a clue, opinion, People, Personal, photography, Random, Self portrait, thanks, thoughts, Uncategorized, Unusual, wacky, wish, wow on December 10, 2007 by anuvuestudio

Yes, that is 2 puns in one line… TDB

Self Portrait

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